This week has been overwhelming. Just like week 1 and 2 where, but this time I really cracked.
I got a reminder from someone, that I am focussing so hard on what I want to achieve that there’s no room in my head for the process that is taking place. This is why I get stuck.
By focussing on what is taking place (the process) you can see signs all around you about what the Universe is telling you.
I was looking in the mirror on Friday and thinking ‘I lost my joy in life’. I could’ve cried!
Few minutes later I was spontaneously singing the song ‘Alegria’. I had no idea where it came from but it just popped up and after a few moments I noticed what was happening. It was as if I got an answer from the Universe and it made me smile. I had a good day after that. My mind was more still and because of that I made some good contributions in class that day (I go to school one day a week).
This message I got, resonated with me and it made me doubt the MKE because MKE makes me feel/believe that I should look at the result, visualise it and then push myself to achieve that goal. While this week I let go of the result and it freed my mind to see what needed to be done.
I’m confused that way. Writing my DMP is also very hard because of this. So I’m really wondering if this MKE might not be resonating with me or am I missing something?
Although I think the quote from Leonard Cohen might be better if it said ‘That is how the light gets out’, it kinda resembles how I’ve been feeling up until Wednesday.
My mood had been going up and down, I felt frustrated, angry, sad,… I felt so bad that on Sunday I didn’t even feel like going to the Sigur Ròs concert I had been looking forward to for months. I had so much stuff to do! schoolwork, MKE-stuff,… But I ended up helping out others during the entire weekend and I ignored the voice in my head shouting I should go home and take care of myself.
On Monday I tried to watch the webinar and fell asleep after half an hour. Soooo tired!! Again my schedule got all messed up.
On Tuesday I finally got through the webinar. Mark kept talking about ‘you having the power to decide how you feel!’. I tried to imagine me being happy. I tried to feel what it meant, being happy. But I couldn’t. Actually I was afraid because when I tried to be happy it felt like there was something breaking inside me. I got even more angry and sad and frustrated. It felt like I would throw up. As if my whole being was resisting ‘happiness’. At the same time I felt something flowing through my body. As if little by little the light inside got out through the cracks of the thing that was (or is) breaking.
I’ve been feeling better after that and to help me remember that I can feel happy if I want to, I wrote it down on a post-it and stuck it to the bathroom mirror.
Love & Light. A.
My favorite Sigur Rós moment on Sunday:
ok, so, don’t get me wrong, I’m really motivated to do this masterkeyexperience thing but I’m reading all these comments below the videos that say “yeah! I’m ready!! lets go!!” and “this is awesome!!” or “I’m so excited I can’t wait to the next webinar!” (I’m not exactly quoting btw. I might be a bit exaggerating too.. maybe.. a bit..) and it freaks me out!
I had a rough week, especially Tuesday. Normally it was my day off and I had planned to work on my final project for school. It’s important because if I don’t finish it on time I cannot graduate in January. But because of circumstances I had to go to a meeting for work. A pretty important one and actually it wasn’t my job to go but there was just no other option. So I went (I saw, I conquered,.. 😉 ) and though it was interesting and I also was kind of proud that my boss trusts me enough to let me attend the meeting, I also was worried because it took time I didn’t have.
When I got home I didn’t have time to eat because I had to go to the music academy which I started again after 12 years. That’s a long time and I like to do things right so I decided to repeat the last year of musical theory lessons. Those where fun the first two weeks but this week it was very frustrating! I just could not follow, I tried and tried and tried,… and I became disappointed and started to panic on the inside. When the class was over it was already dark and I forgot the lights to put on my bike. Cops are very strict about that here and every time I do something I shouldn’t cops pass me by. I couldn’t afford another warning so I decided to walk the way home. I tried to call my boyfriend, maybe he could meet up with me and bring the lights so we could ride home together but he refused to pick up his phone. He’s practically married to the bloody thing, but now he would not pick up. So again I lost time because I had to walk.
I tried to relax and talked some sense into myself: “Thomas is not to blame for me forgetting my own lights” “academy is just a hobby, don’t worry about it”. When a man in the middle of the pavement refused to move one step aside so I could pass without the risk of scratching a car with my bike or having to push him aside, I really got pissed! And then anger became panic, because the only thing I could think of is “I have no freaking time for this!!!”. If there wouldn’t have been so many people out on the street I would have burst out in tears for sure.
So, no! On Tuesday I did not read with enthOUsiasm. Instead I wanted to flush the freaking book through the toilet but that would only clog it and make the whole thing even worse!
So I didn’t.
I felt better on Wednesday.
*Thanks Thomas for being my rock and keeping calm when I go nuts. I love you x